What is the world going to do with us? I’m talking about a new demographic of which Im proudly a part. Thirties, single, educated, no children, with a little cash in my pocket. And loving every minute of it! I will admit that sometimes I feel conflicted. We live in a world that says if you’re not tied up in a marriage with a baby on your hip by 35 then you’re clearly just immature and fleeing grown up responsibilities. To that I say: are you fucking kidding me? I am so sick of self-righteous (and probably miserable) parents trying to make me and my ilk feel guilty because we’ve taken a different path. Not settling down with a husband and kids makes me immature? Makes me less of an adult? I have an education, a home, I pay my bills, run a business, got good credit and no STD’s. I think im doing damn fine thank you. Just because I’d rather sit with a cocktail talking about real estate, politics or American Idol with my friends as opposed to being home with my stretch marks, cooking dinner for my pot-bellied husband and helping a kid with multiplication tables, does not make me a villain. It doesn’t make me irresponsible. It makes me a human being.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all about age appropriate behavior. NO, you wont find me in clubs with 20 year olds, I don’t wear daisy dukes, don’t have a tattoo. I don’t have a popular song as a ringtone, I don’t have shiny rims, I don’t have my name in my earrings. I am 100% adult but the question is what does that mean anymore? In an age where generational lines are blurred, where I see 50 year olds in throwbacks and grandmas in the club, parents and kids listening to the same radio stations and everyone wants to be 21, its hard to know what to do and when. But I will say this, my thirties have proven to be the highlight of my life.
Although I have experienced great tragedy in the death of my father, his death made me realize that life was too short to march to the beat of anyone’s drum but your own. I refuse to let a bunch of soccer moms and dance recital dads tell me that if I don’t have kids then its somehow an unconscious attempt not to grow up. That my self-indulgence is a crime. In fact, I think the serious weighing of the gravity of having children and what that will ultimately do to my life, is one of the most mature decisions I have ever made. I think the world would be a better place if more people had kids as a choice rather than a default. Seriously, if you ask most people why they had kids, what is their answer? “Well I wasn’t getting any younger,” “well I had a good job and a husband so I figured this was the next step,” “well, I didn’t want to get an abortion…” —when do you ever hear someone say “I had gotten to the point where I looked at my life and thought it would be greatly enhanced by the creation of another life”, “that I had gotten to the point where I had an overwhelming desire to raise and mold another human being.”
Now I definitely look forward to marriage, and a great husband who is a partner. I love quality male companionship. But kids…not so much. I may just get long-term care insurance and call it a day. But who knows, maybe one day the urge will kick in…. But it sure aint today. And I want people that are in similar situations to know that’s OK. Besides, most people that look down their noses at you because you don’t have kids would probably sell theirs to the gypsies if given half the chance.
I find that in my thirties I finally have a modicum of common sense, my health, some disposable income and, most importantly, the wisdom to know that I will probably never have another period in my life like this so I better make the most of it. This is a period where I have the energy of my youth, a semi-hot body, some cash in my pocketbook and the world ahead of me. To me this seems like the best of both worlds. You’re not in your dumb twenties, yet you can still rock a two piece. Plus, have you seen how men respond to women without kids? You tell them you have no children and their eyes light up like they hit the lottery. Sorry that I don’t want to give this up just yet. Not having children is a choice, not a dysfunction.
And I’m not alone. I have so many friends that are in my same position. We’ve all grown up on Sex In the City and realize that there are many roads out there to one’s own individual happiness. Perhaps yours is having a brood of kids and spending your Saturday doing arts and crafts. I happen to know that I don’t want to wake up on Saturday or Sunday morning to play SHIT. And that’s OK too. We can co-exist peacefully. But whatever you do, don’t pass judgment on those of us who feel like we have more living to do before we commit to another life. We’re not immature or Peter Pans, or avoiding adult responsibility. The folks I know who have chosen not to have kids are some of the most responsible, successful folks I know. The most amazing females I know took this time in their lives explore their potential and their opportunities rather than have children. That should be applauded not marginalized. We are re-defining adult responsibility. Adult responsibility is no longer just a nuclear family with 2.5 kids. It can also be taking care of business, contributing to the world and living every moment to the fullest without limitations. You may make cookies with the little ones in the evening, I may do karaoke or hot yoga or play soccer, see a play or do happy hour or just sit on my ass, drink wine and do nothing at all. And thats cool.
So like Obama says, lets bridge the gap and come together, the parents and the childless. Im sure there’s a lot we can learn from each other. You can teach me to be more patient and I can teach you how to let your hair down a bit. We’re all just out here trying to make it the best we can. Don’t look down on my path and I won’t look down on yours. As we become a more diverse society, we have to accept that everyone’s journey isn’t the same. So please, stay up out of my uterus and I wont talk about your C-section scars. I know society (and the Lifetime channel) makes it really hard to believe, but there are some of us women who are just fine not having children. We want to sleep-in, travel on a whim, hang with friends and eat out 4 times a week. So let us be! And in return we won’t give you dirty looks when your kid disrupts the restaurant or causes a ruckus on the damn plane.
So for all my sistas who are out there, living their lives and aint THINKING about having any kids no time soon, this is for you. You are now offically a member of the Child-Free and Fabulous Club. Welcome!
Whew—had to get that off my chest. Thanks for listening.
Signed,
A grown ass woman.
A grown ass woman.
Peace people.
98 comments:
Since when did making your own personal decision about whether or not to bring a life in this world and co-exist with the male species become the business of anyone else? I applaud any woman who chooses to stay single and live her life the way she wants to without the interruption of children and a husband. At least she's not feeling like Lord I'm stuck with this kid or stuck with this man. Don't get me wrong you cand be childless, single and fabulous or have children and be married and fabulous. One is no greater than the other. I have three children and a husband and I never look down on anyone that chooses a lifestyle that suits their needs. My own personal beliefs were I wanted to have children because I loved growing up with my two sisters and we were all close and I wanted a family like that someday. People need to wake up and face reality. That isn't everybody's dream. The married life isn't an easy one, motherhood definitely isn't easy so I don't suggest it on anyone unless you've given it serious thought..lol..I say to Jam and all the single women who decide this is not the time for me to settle down and have kids and a husband more power to you. Do you because if you don't who else will!
Bravo...Bravo!! I couldn't have said it better...
signed another grown ass woman...LOL!
With all due respect,
Would you mind not insulting us married folk as being pot bellied, stretch mark havin' losers with harridan kids while you ask not to be judged for remaining single? It would make the dialogue go that much smoother, thank you.
Contrary to your opinion, most married people don't have the time you think we have to judge you (what with the multiplication tables, and all)
I didn't get married because I felt any sort of pressure to do so. I proposed to my wife after much thought, and I felt I had finally become mature enough (30)
to be a committed, responsible husband.
Marriage, or parenthood for that matter, isn't a crystal stair but it's not the prison sentence you single people make it out to be either. I work in radio, so I am at most of the clubs and afterparties you all go to, I just go home to the same woman afterwards.
I think the reason single folk like being single so much is that they see life (at least the social part of it)like a movie they can walk out of. You don't like what you're being shown, leave. Marriage is like an interactive video game, you don't like what you get, you gotta work to change it.
I agree with the Sex and The City view as well. I didn't really watch the show, but what I learned from those four old, cross-dressing gay men as they had sex and drank Cosmos is that whether you choose marriage or not, do it for the right reason, not because society says so. (Wait a minute, those were women? They had such rough faces.)
I wasn't forced to be married. I wasn't pushed to become a father. I don't really care if single folk marry or not.
PS: I had the pot belly before I got married. The fact my wife didn't mind the pot belly is why I proposed.
OK, hold the phone. I think he doth protest too much. Let me correct some of your assertions. When did i ever call parents losers? I admire what you do a great deal, i just choose not to do the same at this time. Secondly, i was very clear that marriage interests me very much. I didnt say anything negative about being married. I dont go to clubs or afterparties. And its funny, when you talk about being single people immediately respond like "i dont wanna be hanging out in clubs the rest of my life..."--like there are only two worlds: married with children or in the club. Hellloooooo, theres a whole world out there people. That kills me! And lastly, if you dont have the time to judge single people, then im clearly not talking to you. I am speaking from my personal experience and interaction ive had in my life. Please dont think that just because you dont do it, that no one does, because it happens often. I hope you are supremely happy in your life and with the decisions you've made and i wish you the best. Thats phenomenal because at thirty I know I wouldnt have been ready. Kudos to you for that. I didnt make anything out to be a prison sentence, I look forward to marriage very much. So, although I am thankful for your feedback, please dont mischaracterize my thoughts.
Oh, and i didnt really understand your comments about Sex In The City until you indicated you were a man.
hey anon, im not really sure of your use of the word "harridan" in the first sentence of your comment. if you have time and check back in again, please explain. Ive only heard it used as a noun. perhaps i need to be educated. thx.
Ms. Donaldson,
I meant no offense. Just as you were speaking from your personal experiences and interactions in your single life, I was referencing my married life. Formally, I agree that you shouldn't be expected to be married with kids at certain pint in life because society at large demands it. My post was more of a "not what you said, but how you said it." response to your earlier statement about marriage.
I was joking about "Sex and the City". I've seen a few episodes. Any man who truly loved his woman in the past decade had to suffer through at least one (Lord knows I did).
I joke about it because black shows like "Living Single" and "Girlfriends" get no love from popular culture (That, and the Sex and the City chicks look like pink beef jerky)
Lastly, the term "harridan" is a noun used to refer to something that is annoying, nagging, or vicious. Normally, it is used to describe an especially nagging woman. I just used it to describe kids.
PS: My name's Karl. For some reason, my ID wouldn't upload.
I misspelled the word "point" in my last entry. Sorry.
No worries Karl, i know i can be a bit abrasive. I'm working on it. :-)
Im pretty sure the writer must be an only child who had a tough childhood, and by that means... just selfish. I respect if you don't want to have kids, but don't downplay one of God's greatest gift. I wonder what your parents thought before you came along. By the way, I am single and childless for the moment, and will always be fabulous for a lifetime.
See THATS what im talking about. Why i gotta be "selfish" because i have chosen not to have kids just yet? If I want to have kids at 40 instead of 20, then Im selfish? because i wanted 20 extra years of "me" time, thats makes me selfish? Because i want to get as much out of my solo life as possible, im selfish? Gimme a break. You're officially out of the club.
I am in my late 30's and childless and I agree. I am happy, I have a successful career and I feel that one day I will meet a nice, decent man who is "like minded". I think that many women and even men are childless in their 30's and 40's for various reasons. The world is a different place people live longer and then there are blended families and people who either can't naturally have kids or just no desire. Oh and no longer does one have to worry about growing old alone with no one to take care of them. There is long term care and even assisted living or other alternative living arrangements to explore when one gets older. Plus as I said before there are blended familes that can happen or even adoption. No one should feel less than a person in society for NOT having children. People should just live their lives the way they see fit and be happy and prosperious.
PLUS, who are you to dictate to anyone what God's greatest gift is? To you it may be children, to me it may be my fucking dog Albert. You probably voting for Mike Huckabee too. Jeez Louise.
I love my bebbies with all my heart, but let me be clear: Chlidren ARE NOT God's gift. Sometimes they are great and fun to be around, other times you want to shoot the little fuckers out of a cannon.
Island Girl
O I LOVE IT I luuuv it! Not in my 30s but I am a 28yr old black woman, living single and free in NYC. I am more than happy when I get up in the morning and know I don't have to warm a bottle, wash someone's ass, or have them wake me up out of my peaceful sleep. I think us black women need to enjoy ourselves before we even consider reproducing. As a father-less child, I know for one, that cycle ends with me. I personally don't want a life long reminder of a mistake I made with an asshole that I may have thought I was in love with. I don't like the idea of struggling to get by. But foremost, I expect nothing less than to be a wife. I see how my girlfriend that has children looks at me sometimes. I know she wants to switch places. She struggles day to day and the father is financially and emotionally irresponsible. I'm not generalizing all couples with kids, because I've seen some beautiful black couple with their children that make me cry. I get all warm and mushy in the inside because that is what I want.
My dilemma is less about being single and childless and more about a having a true life partner and excellent father to our kids. It's funny, when I tell my friends that I am waiting on my husband, they kind of snicker. Of course this comes from the ones that aren't married with kid(s). Black women sometime act like that's not possible in our communities. Like we can't get married. Well I believe in the possibility of me getting married and I'm not gonna settle with some triflin ass man just because it's taking longer than I expected.
Besides, I want my possible future husband and I to be role models for our possible children. They need to see that there ARE happy black homes. There is a such thing as a nuclear family in the black community. I'm a single and attractive black woman that gets hit on all the time. And like someone previously stated, men that I talk to always look excited the moment I tell them I have no kids. I feel like an endangered species, lol, in a good way.
My beautiful black brothas and sistas, LIVE YOUR LIFE! There is no rush. Take your time. There is a world to see and who knows, your love may not be within your immediate location. Live Live Live and see the world. I know I am.
Great topic.
Hello Ms. Donaldson. My name is Dawn and I just want to take the time to thank you for your rant. I am 32 years old, and I too have no kids. This was a conscious decision that I chose to make. I think my life is much better without kids. There is so much I like to do and see and I think that kids puts a cramp in my style. Now don't get me wrong, to each is his own. If you have kids- more power to you. I just know that having them isn't for me. At work, I constantly hear about how my co-workers can never get any sleep because their kids are waking them up, or how they can't get any rest because their kid(s) are involved in every after-school activity and they have to be there with them. And I always hear about the single mothers talk about how their kid(s) father(s) ain't shit and how they have to do everything on their own. I don't want to be bothered with all of that. And you will be surprised at how may women insist that as soon as I find the right man, I'll change my mind. NO THE HELL I WON'T!!! WHY CAN'T YOU PEOPLE GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK ASS SKULLS THAT I DON'T WANT KIDS!!!!! I have actually gotten into fights with people because I don't want kids and they feel like I'm being selfish. Call it what you want, I still don't want any kids.
Everytime I meet a man and he finds out that I don't have kids, just like you Ms. Donaldson, he get wide eyed and stares at me in disbelief. Yes, these men do feel as if they have won the lottery. There's nothing like a woman who doesn't have drama from some crazy ass baby's daddy. But I am also very firm when I inform them that I don't want kids either and if they looking for the mother of their kids, I am not the one.
For those of you out there that have kids, I commend you. You have the strengh, power and the patients that I don't have. But with that being said, I still am not going to give up my quiet house, my 10 hours of sleep a day, my freedom to come and go as I please without hunting down a babysitter, or my paycheck to buy diapers and babyfood. Y'all can have that.
This is a very polarizing topic for some folks.
Why is it such a weird thing that folks might not want to have kids? I think that some people really want to push their beliefs off on others and feel offended if we don't heed those beliefs.
I am 27 with no kids. I do want kids, but I want a husband first. People look at me like I am crazy for actually wanting to have a stable home life for some kids, as opposed to having a baby daddy. I know that lots of women do it. My mother was a single mother and I came out OK. But what I learned is that struggling is not glamorous, and it is not something that I want to do.
I live on my own and take care of myself well, but money is still tight. So throw a kid in the mix, and a dad that may or may not be around, and that makes for a life that doesn't sound too appealing.
We are over populated here on Earth. There is so much homelessness and poverty. Kids run away from unhappy homes. So with all that being said, if folks don't want kids, why make them? To each its own.
A polarizing topic on THIS blog? Noooooooooo!!! LOL!
I agree with you Quesha, I never said that I dont ever want to have kids. But why get mad if I simply choose to wait for a more optimal time in my life? When I have the right husband and the life for myself that i want. And if that means I will have to get my Halle Berry 40 year old pregnant swagger on, so be it!
Jam
You definitely should not get married or have kids until you are very sure about the decision. If you do either just because others say you should, you may be headed for disappointment.
I did not have my first child until I was 36 years old. Not for lack of trying however, I had a few misacarriages along the way. However I have never regretted being a mom. Of course she is only 7 at this time, so she really has not "tested" me yet. We will see if I say the same when she is 15! :)
I must say that just as you should not pattern ourselves after every one who marries or has kids early, we also must not pattern ourselves after celeberities who seem to think it is fashionable to have kids late in life or have them outside of marriage. Its not that easy raising a child if you are already in the later years of your life and celebs have financial resources that many of us dont, so maybe just having a "baby daddy" around is ok with them. We hear all the time about stars who have babies in their late 40's or early 50's, but what we often dont know is that they may have had help with fertility drugs and not to mention the nannies and other help that us "normal" folks dont have access to.
You mentioned Halle Berry. She does make pregancy look glam doesnt she! But even her pregnancy comes at a high price especially with her diabetes history, not to mention being 40 already puts her in a high risk catagory.
Speaking for myself, I have never looked down my nose at someone in their late to mid 30's and above who is not married or who does not want to have kids.I dont go around judgeing those that dont have husbands, wifes or children. I know it is a decision that should not be taken lightly. But I will say that waiting too long will put you at higher risk for complications. Its not about the biological clock, because you can still get pregnant. My OB/GYN tells me all the time that even at 43 I had better use some type of birth control or else I will be his "next" 44 year old preggers patient. Its the complications that you set your self up for when you wait very late to have kids, not the labels that married folk put on you that matter. At 36 I was considered high risk. My baby was born 2 1/2 months early. The doctor still doesnt know why I developed preclampsia (spelling). But the Lord intervened and my baby is alive and well to tell about it. My c-section scar is a testimony, plus my doctor was awesome and you can barely see it.
I do think your article was a bit harsh on us married folk. You seemed to be generalizing and taking digs at married people. But I do realize you are speaking from your experience with the way some married folk have treated you. Just know that not all of us are like that.
And just because you may have the title of "mommy" does not mean you can't still be sexy and fine. My husband still cant keep his hands off of me.
Whenever you get ready, come on down and join the club of us married folks. Judgeing from what I have read about you on this site, you would make a great mommy and spouse if you ever decide to go that route. Even if you dont ever have kids, you seem to still be someone who can be a role model for them and help shape them in a positive way. I say keep doing what you are doing!
I'm facinated by the fact the you address the notion of motherhood and a family in such a negative, judgemental and warped way...the same way that you would rather other not do to you. SMH What makes you think that married mothers don't and can't do what you're doing. It may take a bit more finesse but multi-tasking is something you learn to master when you're really "living", in every sense of the word...and not just for you. While I think it's unfair to refer to you as a selfish person because of your perspectives of being a mother and being single, but I think there's is a bit of truth to the notion "the longer you wait, the more selfish that you get." I'm a 38 year old mother of a two year old little boy, and my husband and I have been together for 17 years. The men in my life have, ultimately, been the best thing that has every happen to me. It just makes every "single women" experience and achievement I've had even sweeter because now I share that with my love one's. I'm sorry you think marriage and motherhood will only lead you to a potbelly husband, bad ass children and no life. You know yourself better than anyone and if you embrace that ideal, it will obivously potenially manifest itself into your life. If you raise that ideal to something that fits you in a positve light, it will reflect in your life.
This excerpt is where I actually raised my brow...
"I have an education, a home, I pay my bills, run a business, got good credit and no STD’s. I think im doing damn fine thank you. Just because I’d rather sit with a cocktail talking about real estate, politics or American Idol with my friends as opposed to being home with my stretch marks, cooking dinner for my pot-bellied husband and helping a kid with multiplication tables, does not make me a villain. It doesn’t make me irresponsible. It makes me a human being."
I do and have all of that EXCEPT I also have a fine husband and a beautiful son...but I don't have stretchmarks. LOL!! Even if I did, it would still be alright! My husband is the one person that when I have free time, there's noone I'd rather spend it with than him.
In the end, I think it's all about priorities and obviously having a committed relationship and kids aren't yours...it's all good.
wow! i got chall married folk up in arms! LOL. This is probably the most excitement youve had since your spade games last weekend with the couple next door.
No, but seriously--it amazes me how people read what they want to read. Did I or did I not say that I wanted to be married, that i looked forward to it and would gladly get married ina heartbeat to the right man? But somehow Im now anti marriage? Its "childless and fabulous", not single and fabulous. I'd love to wake up with the same man every morning. I am totally down with committed relationships. Its the kids i need a few more years for...
See I was with you nicole until your "selfish" comments. The longer you wait, the more selfish you get, what in the hell does that mean? And according to you, I'm not "living" until I am living for a child? Thats the shit Im talking about right there. For all the people that think im crazy and that people dont judge my kind and that parents are too busy to worry about childless folks to make comments like that--remember ms. nicole. she started off pretty sane, then she went crazy cat lady on me. According to her, Im not really "living" because i dont have kids. RUFKM? (r u fucking kidding me?)
OK, yes, my tone was pretty hard core. Some loser woman with a couple of baby daddies made a very judgmental comment about me not having children (misery loves company) and it inspired me to write. So perhaps I was coming from my "Little Miss Angry" place. BUt i figured you guys are used to my crassness by now....so i let it ride.
Boooy, you married folks came out the woodworks for this one! "you not gonna talk about my famblee!
jeez louise, if the shoe fits, wear it--if not, scroll down and read some other shit.
You guys should know by now that I have just as many issues as the people I write about. I just use yall for free therapy.
I understand about "if the shoe fits wear it", but it seemed as if you were trying to cram that shoe on the feet of most married folk with some of your "hard core" comments.
I understand it is a fiqure of speech, but literally, if you were shoe shopping and the sales clerk was trying to put a shoe on your foot that you knew was not your size or your style, wouldnt you push back just a little or a lot
depending on the situation?
That may be why we got "up in arms"
about the comments.
But considering the source and reason for this ariticle, its no wonder you were a bit miffed. Whoever she was had no business dishing out advice about having kids or relationships.
You know what they say..You should only take advice from someone that you are willing to trade places with.
Tell them that the next time someone who cant rub two nickels together and who is chasing a baby daddy for child support tries to tell you that you need to find a husband and have a mess of kids. I promise you she will never bother you with that type of advice again.
I wasn't referring to you when I stated what I said about "living"...I was speaking from my prospective. I never said you're not "living" and if that's what you got from that, I'm sorry, that's not what I meant. I was simply trying to say that it is possible to be actively engaged in living life to it's fullest without being consumed by the other "hats" that you wear in life (i.e. mother, wife...) And if you didn't notice, I had my son when I was well into my thirties. And maybe it was a bad choice of words, but in my experiences, after being without the responsibility of being a mother for so long, made me less "selfless" because I had no worries of being responsible for anyone but myself. That's what I meant when I said "the longer you wait, the more selfish that you get"...btw, those are not my words, it's from a Doubt No/Gwen Stephani song titled "Simple Kind of Life". I obviously had to make some transitions about what's important to me and what my life is/was about since he came along.
I don't think your crazy and yes you did come across as being a little angry. LOL! I appreicated you sharing your perspective that's why I wanted to share some of mine. This is my first time every reading your blog and you don't seem like a person who doesn't know how to shake that load off and keep it moving. In other words, if you're comfortable in you life and with who you are, why let others get under your skin, with simple empty comments, about something that is seemingly all good? Don't let them steal your joy, chile!
Peace
Just as much as you were "offended" or "upset" (I do not know, because I can't speak for you) by what married folk were saying to you or the attitudes they had towards you because of your decisions you are the pot calling the kettle black. You offended them just as much. In your blog you turned your nose down to almost every married person in the world!!
I am not married, as a matter of fact, I am only 19 years old. I feel I still have much to learn.
BUT, I think that in our society TODAY people feel that they need to put others down to make their point(you may not have realized, but that is how your blog came across). I could have clearly heard your point with-out the pot-bellied remarks and the generalizations. By speaking/typing in that tone you force readers to choose sides, to not listen to your notions,and to become defensive.
AND, I sure do hear what you are saying. Trust, out of my graduating class females are popping children out like crazy with this idea of "settling down." I do not think they (my generation) have even lived life yet, what about school, partying, MONEY!!! LOL! Another thing the generational lines are blurred because children are having children. Planning and thinking do not go into the process of having children nowadays. As for the grannies in the club what can I say if Stella got her groove back why cant Nana do it too?????
Six years happily married, I'm 33 years old. Married life is great. I get to come home to a warm, loving, caring, committed and loyal husband and I feel blessed. Yes...he is sexy and yes he is 6 foot 1.
My husband and I are teachers in NYC, we both have our Masters and we are planning a family within the next year. We have traveled, we go out on the town, and we're best friends.
And guess what? We get salty beans from lots of crab in the barrel black folks. People make faces at single, childless women in their thirties but people also make faces at happily married black women. As if it's not a black woman's right to be happy in a relationship. I tell ya... you can't win for losing. People get down right envious, resentful and cutthroat at happily married couples. Society might not judge us, but they do everything to test and tear you and your relationship down.
The point I'm making is that you can't make people happy. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. You've got to live for yourself.
wow..im so jealous!!! kudos to you! i would love to have a great man to spend my life with and have some great years to ourselves before starting a grand family. (i wouldnt care how tall he was) That, indeed, is the life. I guess I can dream cant I..... Wheres that magic eight ball when you need it? Let me call up Tyra and Halle....
well do us all a favor next time "Jam" (is that your real name? Do you Keep It Real or is that a fake name? Simply asking), and next time you get all hot under the collar because some idiot said/did something to tick you off, why not try WAITING a few hours before you commit your rant to the internet?
If you did that, you might not have to spend so much time trying to re-frame what you said in the first place. You've come back on this post how many times now? Trying to tell everyone "no that's not what I meant, you didn't understand me blah blah"
There's a time-honored saying: when it comes to arguments, if you're explaining then you're losing
YOU'RE the writer here, the ballyhooed, celebrated blogger, the one and only Jam Donaldson, it's YOUR job to write well and express yourself on here.
So, why is it that so many people misunderstnd what you're saying? Clearly, reading this list of comments, and also from your other posts, MANY people routinely misunderstand your points.
Hhhhmmm? Or are we all just stupid?
I have kids, I don't speak to anyone about their choice not to have kids, that's disrespectful. But clearly what happened here is, somene dissed you and said something wrong to you, and then you got right on the keyboard and generalized away.
Your post said nothing complimentary about people with kids, on the contrary you gave blanket descriptions of us, you described us all as boring, with no lives, stuck, doing stuff we'd rather not be doing.
Maybe you need to broaden you circle of friends and stop hanging around all those niggers. And that's your word, not mine.
Me, I've got a great circle of friends who are married with kids, we go out, we have fun, we have our own lives and joys, we are creative and yes we also get to go out and drink some wine and have political conversations. People on here posting that it's so great to sleep in, watch Tv shows and "do nothing," I can't believe grown people would brag about that! I used to think like that too when I was 17
My wife's brought two beautiful lives into the world and believe, there's no pot belly in sight, because of that brand new invention they have called THE GYM
these posts are slippin Jam
"People on here posting that it's so great to sleep in, watch Tv shows and "do nothing," I can't believe grown people would brag about that! I used to think like that too when I was 17"
Nuff said. Listen to yourself. And you wonder why i say people can be judgmental. You are proving my point better than i ever could.
I dont think i've ever used the word "nigger" on this blog, you have referred to that before so I guess that just your personal thing. I'll let you have that, whatever you motivations are.
Lastly, I am so not arrogant to believe that my communication skills are so stellar that I never make mistakes, dont get a point across very well, generalize, use flawed logic and every other mistake a writer can make. You said if i'm explaining, then I'm losing? It's not about winning or losing, its about communicating and exploring ideas with like-minded folks. Do you want to read something by a writer who is unyielding, unwilling to acknowledge errors or misconceptions? If I did that, how would I grow? Have you ever heard the quote, "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds."
But if you feel the posts are slippin, i have good news for you: there is this big thing called the internet where there are a bunch of different sites and if you press the keys on your keyboard, you can actually go to them.
pecae.
Wow! Good read. This is the first time that I have visited your site (shout out to Concreteloop for the link), and I have to say this post made me interested to read more! I am in my early 20s, 21 to be exact, and I understand what you mean. At my age, people expect me to be out drinking, smoking, partying, and having sex. And I have too much focus on where I am going to be involved in things I have plenty more years to do. I first need to concentrate on getting out of my parents house and getting my dream job. Though I do have fun sometimes; go out with friends and have a drink or two (or three) I am not into running around being loose. I don't have time, money, or patience to be having, as I call it, "accidental kids". My mind cannot take the stress. I want to thank you Jam for this. You are speaking from a high place. And that's a good look girl! :)
Hi Jam...I think you have gotten a bad rap. I am 30 and I have been married for a little over a year. But I too get the strange and horrified looks from people when I tell them that we are not interested in having kids yet. I think that SOME not ALL people with children our age have a misery loves company attitude. I could be sick with a cold and people instantly say "oh you must be pregnant." WHAT? Why do I have to get pregnant and have kids right now? Some people have kids and they don't even know what they want to do with themselves yet. They are still trying to hang at the club in the VIP section while the baby is with some sitter that they happened to find available for the night.
Society says we should have kids but for now we are happy with “just the two of us.”
Thank you for normalizing my experience! My 10 year high school reunion is coming up and I gotta say, there will be very few of us in the C & F club and I'm currently a proud member. Older relatives have tried to tell me I need to settle down and have some kids but in the same breath want to tell me how proud they are of me for being close to completing my Master's. It's not impossible to go to school and take care of children but that just ain't my choice.
Ultimately, I will get married after graduation and do what I've always wanted to do...have children. I spent so long denying the fact that I want children, that I tear up when I see a woman around my age with her child and that I'm now afraid that after so many years of birth control, that I may not be able to have kids. I know it's just me being neurotic, but that's the mind for you. I do enjoy this time in my life without children, as much as I enjoyed not having a man but now I've found what I've been denied for so long that I thought it would never happen and I really and truly want to bring another life into the world and mold another person. But until then, I'll be rcking the two-piece right along with you!
Jam Donaldson, Feb.20 2008: "I dont think i've ever used the word "nigger" on this blog"
Jam Donaldson, Dec.26 2008: "What suddenly became so wrong with black folks saying “nigga” to each other?"
This is from your own website. I sincerely hope you are not thinking that "Nigger" and "Nigga" are two separate words? If that's your opinion, you should write another whole post, to try to explain that one to us.
"Nigga" IS "Nigger." Of course it is.
You write a whole lengthy post, defending the usage of the word nigger, and then turn around and say that you've never used the word.
I do go all around the internet, thanks, that's what's so fun about message boards right, the intermingling of different opinions?
Are you kidding me? Look, I dont know many black folk who wouldnt agree that nigger and nigga are two different words. And they are generally used in very different contexts. I dont hear black people saying "nigger." And I dont know many white poeple who use the word "nigga" when speaking in a racist, derogatory way about blacks. But its all good, this country was built on the marketplace if ideas so if they are the same word to you, then God bless you. (sigh)
Niggas.
sorry to go off topic people...
I work a fulltime job, workout, date, dance, socially drink, and sleep in on the weekends when I want to. This doesn't make me lazy or comparable to a 17 year old. I think that is what Jam was talking about when she was referring to sleeping in. No grown up can exist and still act like a 17 year old. Otherwise they wouldn't truly be "grown". They would be living at they mama's hosue in tha basement.
To the anon person who keeps arguing, maybe you are offended becuz a) you happen to be one of the judgemental people that she is referring to, b) one of the people who is of the "misery loves company" ilk, or c) wanting to be argumentative. I have noticed more "Amens" with this post than not. Jam was just willing to put it out there. Many of us are very self aware and realize that being single and childless is an option.
Reading every last one of Jam's posts, she has a definitive stand. It just so happens that this actually touched a nerve with half of her audience. But the other half was like, "yes, I completely agree." Maybe you guys just don't realize how judgemental your stares/comments/attitudes can be.
Having an opinion will piss some folks off. But having the nerve to post that opinion will piss a whole lot of folks off, as evidenced in this post. But at least she is not afraid to post her name and have an opinion. And I happen to have the same opinion on this topic and give Jam two snaps in a circle for it.
P.S. I don't agree with everything posted in this blog. I have openly disagreed with the terms "nigga" and "nigger." But hey, such is life. We cannot have the same opinion if we haven't had the exact same life experiences.
Judging by the nasty and personal tone of his/her comments, Im gonna take C. Thats my final answer.
What does "Im gonna take C" mean?
"To the anon person who keeps arguing, maybe you are offended becuz a) you happen to be one of the judgemental people that she is referring to, b) one of the people who is of the "misery loves company" ilk, or c) wanting to be argumentative. "
wow...how silly do i feel. u were answering my question. lol. (chuckling at myself right now.)
I love the article. I have come close to having a kid once. I had a misscarriage but while this was happening i had to stop and take a moment to think if i was ready, should i be happy. I hated the feeling of having to say. I'm with child and i have a baby daddy, I havent finished school yet, and that I still rent out from my mother. All those things where cons. I now feel like having kids is something that im going to do when im full and ready when me and my future husband are in love, and excited to expand our family. I'm 21 and my friends are already on baby number two, with nothing to thier names but a WIC certificate. I can't do it, and I am enjoying my life right now.
I found a decent job, i pay my bills on time, i have a car, house that i rent out, a good man that i am dating. So having a kid isnt even an option when im still trying to get myself together.
PREACH!!!!!!
After reading the posts, please let me rewrite my earlier post.
Jam - PREACH!!!!
I couldn't agree with you more.
I actually loved the post and I'm a 31-year-old ex-wife with a son. For about a second I was offended and only because- honestly- some days I privately wished I were in your shoes. But hell, choices were made and the labor is done. I made the mistake of having my son young (at 21). But I'm doing know what I should've been doing back then- finishing up my degree. No more kids for me. And I'm still a fab chick regardless. Kudos JD.
Love your blog.
Marriage and having children are ancient institutions, as they bind us together.
I feel like i'm listening in on a private conversation but I will take a chance and comment nonetheless.
*Puts on Riot Gear*
When I read comments involving joy over not having to "wash someone's ass" and the like I can't help but think there is something more going on here.
While it is great to have a fulfilling career and material possesions; none of these things come close to having a family. With the current economic climate where thousands have been laid off in the corporate sector here in NYC alone, it should be readily apparent how fleeting material things are.
While no one has the right to look down on someone who is enjoying the C and F life; they are right in saying that having a family and children is even better.
If you don't believe it; get around a large family gathering and watch the various generations interact. In this setting you can see all the stages of life youth, middle age and the Golden years. Seeing all of these lives extending from the love of family and children proves what is truly best in life.
I think a lot of you are buying into the flawed feminist paradigm of what success and happiness is really about.
P.S. I am single and childfree and watching The Lakers vs The Heat while I type this.
HI-FIVE TO JEFFERSON SERGEANT! And @31-year old anonymous ex-wife...having your son wasn't a mistake, it was a choice. Say hello to a person who's mother verbalize that I was a mistake and validated every negative thing that has ever happen to me. Living your life being viewed as a mistake, has at one point, made me feel unworthy and I pray your son doesn't feel the label of being a "mistake"...
Jefferson, judging by what you said i think you've missed my point a little. Two things about what you said:
"Having a family is better" -- of course having a family is better. I hope it doesnt come across that i am interested in sitting in the dark alone with a pint of Ben & Jerry's. But one could have a great family and not have children, as I do now. For example, I have very close relationships with extended family, which include a bunch of children. Its just that after I leave that big multi-generational gathering, and have a wonderful time, I can go home and chill. So to imply that not having children means you have no significant family life, i think is incorrect. Sometimes, its way more fun being the "fun aunt" !
And secondly, this post also included the choice of "when" to start a family. My issue is not so much with not wanting kids, because i may some day, its about people rushing you to make the decision and judging whatever decision you make.
I would love to be married too but Im not going to settle for a warm body just because people tell me Im getting older. For any decision i make, I make sure its right for me first. And i just feel theres nothing wrong with that.
So please dont see this as some anti-family rant, nothing could be further from the truth.
@ Nicole- I never said that my son was a mistake. In fact, he's the best thing that's happened to me. But what did say was that SOME days I wished I were in JD's shoes. Going from a married parent to a single parent gets rough sometimes, and a little frustrating. And I, too, had a mother to tell me that I should've never been born. I'd never want my son to feel what I felt. But I appreciate your response.
I just want to make a general comment, and this applies to on-line, off-line and everywhere in between. I want to challenge everyone to work at falling into the trap of false dichotomies. We often go through life thinking things have to be this way or that, either-or, black or white. Getting older, ive realized its never that simple. There are so many marvelous shades of gray in between. Ideas can complement each other, there doesnt have to be a winner and loser. Too often we're told something is either right or wrong and when it comes to ideas and philosophies and ways of life, its rarely that simple and most importantly, this allegiance to one idea or another can keep you from growing. So as you go through life pontificating and debating, try to stop once and a while and remember things are not always either-or, right or wrong, sometimes, its a little of both. Just my two cents.
peace.
I just wanted to pop in to say, I sincerly appreciate and enjoy this "civil" discussion. It's lovely to read conversations of articulate black people.
Signed,
24, married, black,female, no kids (yet- give us 5-6 years), 3rd year law student - Holla!
I have a child, but have ALWAYS been of the opinion that those people who say they don't want children, should not have them. And those who do say they want children should think long and hard about what it will mean. One more thing: I never refer to my friends who have chosen not to have children as childless, as if their state if somehow less than mine. I refer to them as childfree...as in free to do the things that not having children allows one to do.
I have a child, but have ALWAYS been of the opinion that those people who say they don't want children, should not have them. And those who do say they want children should think long and hard about what it will mean. One more thing: I never refer to my friends who have chosen not to have children as childless, as if their state if somehow less than mine. I refer to them as childfree...as in free to do the things that not having children allows one to do.
Long time reader, first time poster. I LOVE this article!!!! I am uber-excited to be a member of the C&F club!!!!!! Good look Jam!!!
Hello there. A sorority sister sent this email to us. I thought another sister had posted this. Anyhow, here is my response. Regards, ee
I enjoyed the read.
Simulatenously, every mother has a different experience. I am not married (not officially anyways) but decided with my partner that having a child was the right timing for us. Our baby came right before I hit my 30th birthday, but that wasn't our intention. Nor was if enforced by any social expectations...otherwise, we'd be married, too, by now. We have NO REGRETS. Our daughter is our angel face and the best thing that has ever happened to us. It's a miracle that we could create something so beautiful...every expression she gives us is responded with our most unconditional love & happiness that we could offer. In some sense, her beauty makes us feel more beautiful. As a mother of a 6 month old (time flies by) I still have career goals that I am working on. I still keep close touch with my girlfriends. I don't necessarily go to Happy Hours every weekend or go to loud parties hosted by strangers. We actually own a house in the suburbs and enjoy the peace that comes along with it. That might sound too normal, but that's our life. I won't lie, I do miss certain city coffee shops and brunch places and people that I don't regularly see anymore. But also, I have a lot of fun with my 2 darlings and other friends and family. I am typically always laughing and smiling. I LOVE them SOOO MUCH!!! I may bicker from time to time, but it's because housecleaning is a drag to both mom/dad and non-mom/non-dad alike. (I think the responsibility of owning a house simply comes with that chore as a default.) Anyways, I wouldn't recommend to anyone to just have a baby. A baby IS a blessing AND a 24 HOUR RESPONSIBILITY. And when you're ready, believe me when I say that you will want the very best for him/her, so you will wear yourself out. Especially if you are a high achiever like, me! :) A baby can truely be one of the biggest joys in your life, if you really wait until you're ready. Or, he/she may not. I have not yet met those people. Anyhow, every experience is different, but usually positive. Also, I may have had a C-section and I may have some extra weight, but I still look pretty good. My man would say "Hot & ready for baby #2," but I think he's crazy. :) Not just yet anyways. I fit a size 8, goal size 6...anything smaller makes me look sickly. I got arms of a champ from carrying around the carrier seat and legs that could still kill. Give me a few more months and I'll rock the 2 piece, too. Afterall, there is the Sexy Mommas club, too. I believe the coined term is MILF. But anyways,...have a beautiful life (and keep writing because I loved your perspective!)...
but also, just remember that some of your stereotypes are not always true. Just keep an open-mind and all will be well.
Peace,
ee
Just curious--and i know this is none of my business--assuming you are in a heterosexual relationship, why aren't you married? I guess as someone without children, its hard to imagine making a lifelong commitment to a person by virtue of having a child with them and in your case living with them, but not choosing to get married? Im just asking out of curiosity as to what the rationale is for such a decision? Or are you planning on doing it later? Like if your child grew up and asked why you werent married what would yr answer be? Most of my peers dont have children so i rarely have people to ask this question to. You can answer or can just totally ignore me... Thanks for your insightful response.
Loud parties hosted by strangers. LOL. That was pretty funny. yeah i dont do those either.
I know I'm coming into this conversation super late, but I wanted to post something.
I'm 34 & single with no kids. I too get annoyed when people (ie family) ask me when I'm getting married or having children. My sister and I are the only granddaughters on the father's side that WERE NOT unwed, teenaged mothers.
I grew up with the father out of the picture (he & the mother separated but didn't divorce) and my mother struggled in dead end jobs, trying to raise three kids pretty much by herself.
I had to grow up way too fast to take on responsibilities because the mother needed someone to help her & I was the only one there to take care of my younger sister and brother.
I have no desire to get married. I have way too many bad examples in my family that have soured me. I also have a lot of resentment and anger with black men.
However getting back on target, Being a parent requires a lot of sacrifice and a lot of patience.
I am selfish. I don't want to have to give up my time or my money on anyone else. I like being able to pick up and go anywhere I want at a moments notice.
I think its better for me to know these things about myself rather than be a poor parent and perpetuate another cycle of kids with abandonment and commitment issues and emotional problems like me and my sister.
"Just curious--and i know this is none of my business--assuming you are in a heterosexual relationship, why aren't you married?" Well, I am engaged to my lover/man. The reason we aren't married is our choosing. People think that because we have a child we should be married. If it were up to his grandmother, we'd be married in the kitchen-as long as we'd be married. But, heck, it's our decision. We own a house together. We have a child. We love each other dearly. If you don't call that a committment, I don't know how a marriage license would do any better. My child will be able to review pictures of us, the way we adore her & each other and she will be reminded that we didn't have to do things in the traditional way just to meet society expectations. Just like you don't feel that at 30 you should have kids, I feel you don't have to be married to say you are committed. Let me know if you choose to comment...I was looking up the link to your story for someone and realized you responded. If I don't respond again, it's only because I didn't have a chance to revist.
Best wishes,
ee
Reading your blog for the first time, what an introduction!! LOL!
I'm female, single, 36, no kids, not sure if I want them at all but maaaaaybe down the line, do want to get married someday when & if the right guy comes along (prayin'!). Starting to get the family pressure which is REAL funny considering I'm not in a "solid" relationship right now - if they want another kid running around THAT BAD I wish they'd just have another one their damn selves instead of pressuring ME!
But it's not only the family pressure & the "selfish" label that gets thrown on me, it's the fact that @ my age my child-free friends are dwindling FAST. Most are married, some are not, both situations are tough & consuming. The single parent friends call to bitch about the daddy not being there, the married ones (not all of them, but the ones without much of a career) can only manage to talk about Little Johnny 'nem, which I can hang w/ for about 30 minutes before the urge to hang up takes over (j/k!). It really does rule their lives, sometimes I think parents just want you to have kids so you can all talk about the same stuff, lol. They want everything "even" so they're not boring me w/ all things kiddie, or judging me for being tragic enough to still be dating (the horror!) - it gets weird... Actually, I don't think they know how boring the kid thing can get so let me take that back!
Bottom line: I'd love to take part in married life someday, but I feel no urge to change diapers or soothe a crying baby just yet. After grad school & moving up in my field I just (in the last few years) got to a place that's comfortable money-wise, & I'm learning a lot about myself as I get older. I'll definitely be a better parent when I'm even more established & can take the focus off of myself, I'll have more to give (& more I'll want to give). 18+ years of managing yourself AND someone else is no joke - I know I'm not ready or interested @ this point & there's nothing wrong with that, I just wish other folks would realize it too. :)
Anyway, diggin' your blog! I'll definitely be revisiting.
- Child-Free, working on the "Fabulous", LOL...
I think we are cyber-twins! Everything you just said applies to me from the phone conversations about johnny and 'em to the desire to be married but on the fence about kids. (Except they got about 15 mins on kid stuff before i remember that i suddenly left something on the stove). "Not ready or interested"-- sums me up perfectly. Thanks for showing me that I am indeed, not crazy. What a great way to start my Saturday!
wow, nice post. i just stumbled upon this blog and felt motivated to comment
i'm in my late 20s (27), not single/but not married and child(free -- i kinda liked that term!). for the last four or five years, i've been going through that phase where my college friends have been getting married and having kids in droves. i'm always happy for them, but have grown weary of their "i'm a real grown up now" comments. they're never said in an overtly insulting way, but to me it always feels like there's just this unspoken implication that if you haven't done these things...then you are a (i suppose) "fake grown up"?
i mean, i've graduated from college, moved overseas by myself, got a great job and recently had to deal with the passing of both of my parents with in the span of a year. if that's not a grown-ass woman, then hell...what am i doing wrong?
for me it's less the idea that i feel attacked by the marrieds with children. more that comes across as patronizing to me and then i feel kind of freakish. and maybe i am... who knows?
i'm in a long term relationship (4 years this Sept) with a great and supportive guy. we moved in together 2 years ago (mainly because it got to the point like we were keeping two separate residences and consolidation for financial purposes made sense). we both gave up our apartments and moved into a new "neutral" place. the arrangement has been great, but neither of us is really into getting married and don't plan to do so (even though germany offers massive tax breaks for married couples and as a foreigner in this country immigration issues are way easier to deal with if you're married to a german national).
in our 4 room place, we have 2 "home offices" (his and hers) each with a bed, in addition to our shared bedroom. as much as i love waking up/going to bed, rolling over and seeing him next to me -- there are just those days/nights where i want to have my bed to myself.
as luck would have it (even with my "bizarre" ways) -- i managed to find a partner who sees things the way i do.
we live together and love together. a marriage certificate won't change that -- not to mention, it's not as though a marriage certificate or vows in a church in front of friends/family has prevented some people from splitting up in the end (makes it harder maybe? just maybe...)
and as for the children thing, i'm just not interested in the least in being a mother. a personal decision that i feel entitled to make.
i have 8 siblings and 10 nieces and nephews, all of whom i adore. i swoop in as cool aunt who lives overseas, stuff them full of german chocolates and let their parents worry about the sugar content and dentist visits...
long ramble, but peace to everyone -- the main thing is that which ever path you choose, if it's fulfilling and makes you happy then more power to you!
Hi five to all the grandmommy mommies!
Good Luck running behind those toddler at 45. lol
dont know about you, but my dad had a child late in life and he was playing basketball with an eight year old at 67. So you can decide you'll be old and decrepit and/or overweight at 45 or you can be a vital, active 45 year old. I choose the latter. Don't sleep, I play soccer with a 47 year old who runs my ass ragged. So its a new day and no longer is 45 old.
dang.... go ahead and vent.
then, do beg Mom's to lay off the when u will get children act.
Be active in removing the words can not ad can't from ur brothers vocabulary (i just banned them in the house..), and if the biological imperative comes, well then, take thee a husband, and if not, make like St. Paul.
The corrollary to singlesom is that, i get to sit here @ 1207, watchin dolphins on nat geo, and reading u, while my 8 yr old daughter and I eat scrambled eggs, codfishcaes and ceviche which we made this morning...
it's difficult, juggling: there is dust on the tv stand. but its four day week end, and cleaning is a family sport.
choose your sacrifices.
Be blessed
Halle-freaking-lujah!!! That whole post desperately needed to be written, so thanks.
BTW: I'm 32, happily married with 2 cool dogs, a great job, and more hobbies than I can keep up with. No time for knee-biters. Oh well.
dang--i have one cool dog. now, i just need a husband. :-)
Plus, have you seen how men respond to women without kids? You tell them you have no children and their eyes light up like they hit the lottery.
Then you tell them that you don't want children and they look at you like you eat babies. Ultimately, this is why I didn't make it down the aisle with my fiancee. He felt that I would eventually 'get over' my fear of motherhood, and maybe I would. I'm sorry, but when the thought of pregnancy makes you hyperventilate and you have nightmares about breastfeeding, you should not be taking those kinds of chances.
From time to time, I honestly wish I had said okay and walked down the aisle with him...I loved him so much and I still miss him terribly. But it wouldn't have been fair to him or to me, and it sure as hell wouldn't have been fair to whatever poor kid I would've had to have had in order to keep the marriage going.
Its interesting-- I actually think i MAY want children, so i cant say i have ever experienced that reaction from a man, BUT, i do have a friend who didnt/doesnt want children and she would explain this to every guy she dated--and they would all say cool, thinking she would ultimately change her mind, because they just couldnt fathom a woman definitively stating she doesnt want kids. And so now she's married and of course her husband wants kids and she still doesnt and she is is praying he'll change his mind and he is praying she'll change hers. But she does love him enough to have a child, if it ever came down to it but.... (sigh) We're just ordinary people, we dont know which way to go. Chile... it aint easy out here.
I think it's a bit different for me because I'm a mixed martial artist, and I love what I do so veryveryvery much. I have never, EVER heard a woman say that she was a better athlete after she gave birth. Having a child would ruin my body. I may be able to make it LOOK the same, but that's the equivalent of driving a salvaged car.
The thought that a woman can love a man enough to create another life for him...and they say WE'RE selfish?
Its hard not to take some of these comments personal. Some of you make it sound as if having kids is so terrible. Its fine if you dont want them, but its quite another to describe it in such a way that it insults those who have them.
Jennifer, as a mom, I dont think of myself as a "salvaged car". That brings up an image of something that no one really wants. Second rate, used etc.. Why describe a woman who has had kids that way? Why describe a woman to any kind of object? I understand your athletic needs, but who says that your body has to be "better" after child birth. Isnt "as good as before" sufficient? You are probably in tip top shape, so having a child would not "ruin" your body. If you dont want kids, just say so and dont use that as an excuse. Someone like you could be back in shape in no time.
Seems like some of you are guilty of doing what you claim has been done to you, which is judging others and making implications about what it must be like to have kids.
Blogger writes, "Just because I’d rather sit with a cocktail talking about real estate, politics or American Idol with my friends as opposed to being home with my stretch marks, cooking dinner for my pot-bellied husband and helping a kid with multiplication tables, does not make me a villain."
Darn, did I just commit the unpardonable sin by getting married and having children? LOL.
Contentment is great gain. Learning to be content with wherever you are in life (albeit married, single, separated, childless, with child(ren)) will do wonders for your mentally health.
Camille, who the hell are you that I need to make excuses to you for anything? I don't give a damn if you think of yourself as the Maharincess of Franistan. *I* would never choose to ruin (yes, RUIN) my body by having children. What does that have to do with you? NOTHING, that's what. How dare you assume that you're so important and special that I'd need to make excuses to your or anyone else as to why I've chosen a childfree life.
And to answer your question, NO. "As good as before" is not sufficient. My body has to be the BEST it can be. Maybe "good enough" is okay for you, but not for me.
My point to you jennifer is that your body can still be the best it can be even after kids. Now did I curse at you in my comment? I dont think so. Are you not able to comment without insulting someone? Apprently not. Your comment earlier was insulting as you campared womens bodies to objects (slavaged car?) and it is equally as insulting now. Is this how you behave at the very mention of having kids? Why does that subject turn you into someone so hostile?
I am not judging you or saying you are wrong for not wanting to have kids. I just think your excuse is bogus. I have a right to express that opinion, just like you have the right to get on a blog and insult people and curse people out.
You say that you are in martial arts, so that says to me that you ARE in the best shape that you can be. Wouldn't you agree? So if after child birth you go back to being "as good as before" wouldnt that again put you in the best shape that you can be? Because you are already inclined to take care of yourself, I was trying to point out to you that getting your body back to its former glory wouldnt be so difficult for you. So if you just dont want to have kids, then fine, but dont hang it on not being able to get back into the kind of shape you want, because that is something that YOU would not have to be worried about.
But instead you got all defensive and turned my comment into something that it was not meant to be. Besides, I would have expected that salvaged car comment to have come from a man not a woman. Men are usually the ones who are insensitive about women bodies after pregnancy.
I dont care if you never have kids. Its none of my business. But since this is a public blog I have the right to give my opinion just like you do. And when you say insulting things on a public blog, you have opened yourself up to whatever someone has to say about it. I know I am not the only one insulted by that comment, maybe I am the only one who addressed it.
There was NOTHING in my comment that suggested that I think I am better than you or that I think you should answer to me. But rather, it was your comment that implied a sense of superiority. But anyway I was trying to give you your props for already being in shape, which gives you the advantage of getting it together after pregnancy IF it ever came down to that. Also, you are right, you dont HAVE to give excuses to anyone about why you remain childfree, but you DID volunteer one. Nobody asked you to do that. I just happen to think that the excuse you gave doesnt hold water. So what..
Whether you want kids or not, the fact of the matter is that women's bodies were designed for childbirth. So how can your body be "ruined" after doing what it is supposed to do. Ruined after a car accident, I can see that. Ruined after a being attacked or injured, I can see that. Ruined after an illness, I can see that. Ruined after damaging oneself with drugs or alcohol, I can see that too. Childbirth is not some unnatural thing that your body cant handle. Unless something goes wrong during the process, there is no reason why you cant continue on physically the way you were before. A large part of what happens to our bodies after childbirth has everything to do with us and how we care for ourselves before, during and after pregnancy.
Weep weep, wank wank. Get a therapist, Camille. If you're offended by what I say, here's a suggestion: stop reading what I say. And I can talk to you without cursing you or insulting you (it's what I get paid to do), but I don't respect you. So slag off, you fucking twatwaffle.
My body was designed for whatever I choose it to be, meaning it was NOT designed for childbirth. Spare me your finger-wagging lectures, and stop trying to convince me that I'm "making excuses" and "hanging on" to whatever. Your exaggerated sense of self-worth is mock worthy. Who cares if you or anyone else thinks my "excuse" holds water or is bogus? Who are you, anyway? Just another MOOOOOOO-my who thinks that childfree women secretly want children deep down. (Lemme guess - I'm jealous, right?) Take a number and get behind all the cunts - including the THREE gynecologists who refused to allow me to have a tubal - and gossip amongst yourselves. But get off my ovaries.
You want me to get off of your ovaries? Well at least you admit that you have them.
And you know exactely what I meant when I said a womans body is designed for childbirth. Stop twisting my words around in order to justify being argumentative. You said it yourself, you have ovaries, probably have a uterus too. Last I checked, that means you are a woman and you have all the parts for childbirth. Now whether or not you use those parts for what they were designed for is totally up to you. But that does not give you the right to disrespect the concept of parenthood just because you dont want to be one.
You dont want people judging you and making assumptions about your life, well guess what, I dont like it when others make assumptions about my life as a mom or judge me either. I just find it very interesting that you and others got on this topic of being made to feel bad about being childless, but then you turned around and did the same thing to the parents on the board with your condesending comments.
And please dont put words in my mouth. I DO NOT think you are jealous, a lil crazy maybe, but not jealous. The thought of you being jealous never occured to me. Nor do I think you secretly deep down want kids. There you go making assumptions. Newsflash, all MOOOO-mies dont go around wondering what childless women "secretly" want. We dont have the time to give something like that the mental energy that it would take. We are too busy thinking about our kids. But after reading your comments and judging from your short fuse, I am glad you dont want them.
And its you, not me, who could use the therapist. Not to convince you to have kids, but you obviously have anger issues and some kind of resentment towards women, especially the ones with kids. Once again you are using some very colorful terms to describe women: "cunt, "twatwaffle" (that one is kind of funny) and lest we forget the "salvaged car" comment.
Are you struggling with your self esteem? Its been my professional experience that when people are uusually hostile towards others (bullies for example)it may mean that they dont like themselves very much.
And I honestly dont know why you feel as if I am coming off as trying to be superior. Is it that you are so hypersensitive about this subject that anything someone says to you in opposition to your opinion will be interpreted that way? Maybe its you that feels inferior. Well.. the therapist can help you with that too.
tl;dr
I understand your position. I think its important to realize that singles and married couples have a way of making war with one another. We spend a lot of time suggesting that the other is missing certain things or bogged down by the wrong priorities. We should celebrate each other because we both make life interesting. My mother's single friends always had the stories to tell that my parents didn;t - she couldnt travel the world and provide me with stability. But that same inspiration that they provided us, I think we gave back as a family. You see family units that function well are often pleasant rest stops for the single traveler/adventurer. At least it worked that way around my house. Single remind us to explore, families remind us to have roots. Everyone wins.
Very well stated. I think you are absolutely right. the world needs all kinds. I
I am laughing my behind off. You guys are crazy! Well I understand both sides. Although I do have a child I GET SICK AND TIRED of people(women who are trapped in an unhappy marriage LOL) looking at me like I'm some kind of freak b/c I'm not married.
Nope, didn't plan on having a child b4 marriage but hey it is what it is. However, I've been on the grind for the past 6 years and I have accomplished 2 degrees and a good career. AND just b/c I'm still trying to accomplish more, THEY say I need to get my priorities together and realize what's really important in life??? Burrr??
Just b/c I'm not married yet, boo-boo I'm good. I'm handling mine OK.....
Oh and BTW,
We want to sleep-in, travel on a whim, hang with friends and eat out 4 times a week. So let us be! And in return we won’t give you dirty looks when your kid disrupts the restaurant or causes a ruckus on the damn plane TOO FUNNY!!!
Back to read the follow-up ("anonymous", 3/15)... is it wrong to enjoy the exchange between Jennifer & Camille?? LOL...
Do your thing Jennifer, it's YOUR body. I particularly love this part of your post:
"The thought that a woman can love a man enough to create another life for him...and they say WE'RE selfish?"
THAT shit is too REAL!!
& Jam, you know you ain't crazy! :D
Say that! Jam, you are on it! I'm 30 years old, single, never been married, and child free! And hey...right now at this moment, I'm good! :-)
I would like to get married and have a child or two when that time comes, but there is nothing wrong with that.
Plus, I'm a freelance writer and singer so when I'm on Broadway and traveling doing national tours, I don't necessarily want to have a baby attached to my hip. I prefer to be child free right now while I'm traveling and all that good stuff!
www.satirah.wordpress.com
This post was right on time. I'm thirty five and people are constantly asking me when I'm gonna have kids. I'm not married or in a serious relationship. I don't feel like I should get pregnant by the next schmuck I see just so I can 'beat the clock'. I enjoy my life, I'm not opposed to kids but its important to me to have them within a loving relationship, preferably marriage. And if I don't get married before my eggs run out :) there are tons of black children in foster care who need a permanent home. I'm so tired of people acting like there is a baby shortage and I'm nuts for not having any.
One consideration has yet to be taken into account, so I would like to make one quick point, which I tried to make to another extremely intelligent, beautiful, succesful, and childless 30-something female friend of mine some months ago.
We all know that a lot of very smart people come from poor circumstances, and a lot of very stupid people come from rich circumstances.
But statistically speaking, your chances of giving birth to a very bright, well-cared for, well-educated and well-adjusted child are higher than the chances of a welfare mom doing so. But we all know that, between the two, the welfare mom is more likely to have kids, and lots of them, than the successful and brilliant attorney (or businessperson, scientist, engineer, professor, whatever).
My point is, the human species NEEDS YOU!!! We friggin need your genetic material to be passed on! Even if you decide you never want to have kids, for God's sake, donate some eggs or something!
We are going to see, in the U.S., a shortage of brilliance, because the brilliant people can't be bothered to pass on either their brilliant brain genes or their pro-education culture.
It sounds elitist, I know, to talk about passing on good genes and such. It's reminiscent of the old eugenics movement, which is rightly reviled by modern scholars.
But I can't help but feel uncomfortable that the best and brightest in America are so rarely passing on their genetic code when compared to other portions of the population.
So there it is. My argument is boiled down to: Thou should consider the bearing of children for the good of thy species.
well good for you :)
These comments went just about the way they always do. I have heard just about every topic on the BINGO card. You should totally join us on the Childfree-community on LJ! You can vent without feeling like you have to explain yourself.
By the way, I am single (hope to be married, but realistic about my chances) and childfree (permanently, got all access cut off).
I will most definitely link to this blog entry! I am 38 years old never married with no children, both by by choice.
I decided at 30 that I wanted to be childFREE (childLESS implies that I am somehow deficient because I am without children). I have never regretted my decision. Hell, it's probably the best decision I've ever made.
I've experienced several of the types of encounters Jam mentions, so I understand her frustration. I've even been told that I was "shirking my responsibilities as a woman." The venom that I spewed on that person makes Jam's blog seem like sweetness and light.
To those of you who have children, more power to you! Go 'head and do the damn thang, 'cuz I know it ain't easy sometimes. All a sistah like me asks is that if you meet/know a childFREE woman, think twice about a comment you might want to make about her decision.
Ms. Donaldson,
I dont think i could be any different from you and yet your blog seems to strike a chord. I am 20 years old, not even close to where you are in life (as far as having a job, being successful..etc) but I really respect what you're saying. As you know, your twenties are a time of self exploration, and so, I have been thinking about my life. I am realizing that I may not want kids because of a myriad of reasons. Your blog has made me comfortable in that decision, even if i choose to change my mind. I give you props for giving an honest opinion for so many to criticize..keep it going sista! PS..i dont know if this matters but i'm not black, but im from new york and have grown up around alot of diversity and am choosing to use the internet to see where all types of people are coming from with their views and I am all about everyone coming together..people are just people, trying to do hte same thing (like you said)
This was too funny (jennifer and camille) but I have really enjoyed this meeting of the minds. I am nearly 32 and childless. Planning on getting married next year and to start a family one day. To steal from Jennifer "get off my ovaries" I am so tired of being asked about marriage and children as if no one courts any more. It's like everytime I got a boyfriend the family doesn't want to let go and then when I got one and we've been together a little over 2yrs (friends for 16yrs) then the questions erupted. To each his own, and everyone enjoy who you are and what you do. Live. Life. Love.
PLEASE I HAVE TO KIDS AND WOULD PAY YOU TO TAKE THEM....I WISH I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT LIKE YOU...IF I HAD I WOULD NOT BE IN THIS POSITION...I LET GHETTO STANDARDS RULE MY LIFE AND NOW IM PAYING FOR IT....I WAS 24 AND CHILDLESS AND WITH MY BOYFRIEND FOR 2 YRS....I GOT PREGS AND SAID HEY I MIGHT AS WELL....NOW 4 YRS LATER I HAVE 2 KIDS AND I BASICALLY CANT STAND THEM....THEIR DAD IS AN A-HOLE WITH WHOM I HAVE OUTGROWN BUT WE HAVE THESE KIDS AND NOW IM STUCK.....MY LIFE TOTALLY REVOLVES AROUND THEM AND I HAVE 0 TIME FOR MYSELF...HENCE THE REASON IM ONLINE AT 2 AM ...NOW DONT GET ME WRONG I LOVE MY CHILDREN ,THEIR HERE AND I WILL TAKE CARE OF THEM TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITY BUT IF I COULD GO BACK ID ABORT IN A NY MINUTE...DONT FREAK OUT PEOPLE I WOULD NEVER SAY THESE THINGS OUT LOUD TO ANYONE,ESPECIALLY NOT MY KIDS...IM DOING THIS UNDER THE GUISE OF ANONYMITY....A LITTLE HONESTY FOR THAT ASS..
Firstly to Jam great topic and great site overall.
I'm 23 (male), so I don’t have much experience, but I do agree people shouldn't do things because it's the status quo - whether it be having kids or staying single. Like wise, neither 'side' should look down on the other, they have just as many benefits as the other, and both can help each other (I know I'm repeating what's been said but I'm just making my stance clear).
Personally I want marriage, and kids. Eventually. I know kids are a crap-load of responsibility and stress, but then everything important is right? Long term relationships, marriage, a career. But I do think that raising a human being is without a doubt the most important task anyone can undertake. I also took special care to say raising (kids), not just having (kids). We've got far too much of that already. That doesn't mean I think everyone should do it though. Doctors for example are obviously important to society, but not everyone should be one. Some can't hack it, academically or for the stress, some just aren't interested in medicine, and some would just be better placed playing another constructive role in society. It's the same with parenting. It shouldn’t be something that is looked down on or seen as a last resort, but it also shouldn't pushed onto anyone because it’s important. Important doesn’t mean mandatory for all. If anything it means “Only a few should apply, because if you’re gonna do this you need to do it right!”
As for wanting to do things and go places, that's definitely understandable, Life is drastically different after children. It's not over though. I'm biased about this because I was raised by a single mum - not no ghetto floozey, she settled down with a guy, had me, then they broke up - this was in her mid 20's and since having me she (and I with her) has travelled to about 16 countries across 4 continents. She had a degree before having me, and has attained an MBA since, and also an OBE (some big civilian honour) from the Queen (of England) for what she achieved in her career. Of course doing those things was more inconvenient with me around, but it was still possible. I'm not on here trying to brag about her, all the big people on here have achieved stuff, I'm just using what she’s done since having a child to illustrate that while a child changes, and in some ways impedes your life, it doesn't outright obliterate it.
Plus I often see a double standard in that certain careers seriously restrict having any kind of social life, like lawyers trying to clock up more hours or, again, trainee doctors, but society applauds these people because whilst its apparently cool to devote your life to your career (so you’re ‘successful’), mothers are looked down upon for devoting their lives to their children. But success, and ultimately happiness comes from more than your pay cheque and job title right?...
As for the women who have had men look at them like they were aliens for not wanting kids that shouldn't have happened. Personally, I would have politely moved on once that was established. I would let you know that despite your attractiveness, and how cool a person you are, having kids is a big thing for me, so if not having them is a big thing for you, then; “It was nice to meet you anyway, god bless” – big smile. Then walk away. Simple.
Oh and I rate Camille43 for handling herself in an intelligent and dignified fashion.
What a great read from everyone! Single, childfree women keep doing what your doing... I am a mother of a 12 year old son and I DO LOVE having times when I do nothing or go nowwhere or watch movies all day. I don't feel like I am behaving like a 17 year old. It's called stress free moments for me!
Let me add to that. I am a teacher ; I take care of my modest home and bills (no credit card debt hooray!). I have a child's father who is just not interested in doing the right thing but I don't let that slow me down...But I do use every opportunity I get to explain that to young women and just say be careful and wise about your decisions.. hear my testimony. It may look easy watching me from the outside but its not! So if childfree is for you DO IT BIG! Char
Wow... this was an excellent post - one of many, but I'm digressing. I find myself in a rather unique demographic. I am single (albeit divorced) at 36... and am empty-nesting because of a change in custody. (My child needed to be with her father to get my foot off her neck). I have a fulfilling career and a billion hobbies, and most importantly NO desire to "bun up" (let alone remarry), nor do I have the ability to have anymore children.
There are several women in my peer group who find themselves in their later thirties/older 40's and who have never been married. I want to know when the "parra-diggem" not just shifted but rolled off its axis so that society would label women in this situation as "broken". Show me a woman that's telling someone for the first time that she's 37, never been married, never had an abortion and doesn't have any kids (nor has any inclination towards items 1 and 3) and I'll show you a woman that's subject to the kind of scrutiny given to advanced science projects.
I find that absolutely repugnant. I also find it deeply disheartening that single parenthood is touted as the be-all to end-all. Experience tells me differently. We're not all meant to be wives/mothers, and for the people who are enjoying their solitude in the best way THEY see fit, I say MORE POWER TO YA.
I'm a member of the child-free and fab club myself. I've been married to a great husband for a little over a year. He's 25; I'm 27. We're not interested in having kids right now, and from the looks of it, that's not going to change anytime soon. We get the blank stares, and then "when are you gonna have kids?" comments. I usually just reply with "when you pay for them." I'm all for people having kids, really I am. As long as you can afford to feed, clothe, and take care of them without tax dollars, I say go for what you know. Frankly, I don't think I'm the motherly type. Besides, I'm selfish right now.. I don't want to share my husband's time right now. This may change sometime in the future, but today, Yasmine birth control is great.
I just want to say that I completed my first half-marathon this weekend. Nothing but cool breezes, beautiful scenery and my own strength and willpower for hours at a time, worrying about nothing when I got home except for how the hell I was going to get up the steps.
Childfree = YESSSSSS!!!!!
RE: the the 'salvaged car' and 'ruining' one's body in pregnany and childbirth.
I do not understand why Camille43 takes this an an insult.
Jennifer was discussing HER OWN BODY. How is someone discussing their own feelings about THEMSELF and their OWN body an insult to anyone else?!?
Personally I also feel that pregnancy and childbirth would RUIN my body and I would be a wreck afterwards. How is that any comment on anyone else?
I think you are completely right to enjoy your 30s and wait for the right person. I am one of thos mothers who is a bit overwhelmed by the decisions I've made. Don't get me wrong I love my children but marriage and parenthood is HARD - especially if it happened before you really did take time for yourself. I recommend to all my childless and/or husbandless friends to wait and enjoy this time as much as they can because I do realize (painfully sometimes) that it will be a long time before I can travel, work on my career, enjoy girlfriend time, etc... like they can. I am living abroad with two kids and I can see firsthand who different it would've been if my husband and I had been childless here. Where some friends of mine have been to almost every country in Europe (and many outside) I've been to France, that's it (and that was before the 2nd kid). The fact that anyone feels a right to judge someone who is enjoying their life and making sure they are getting to where they want to be before taking on such huge responsibilities sounds not only sexist (who ever gets on single men about this, like they do for women?) but also completely irresponsible. If you are in a healthy, happy, successful part of your life before marrying and having children - it will only benefit your future family. You will make a healhty partner for a husband and a wonderful role model for any potential children.
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